- Yellow spandex gloves are usually associated with toilet cleaners and other such activities.
- Is it a bird? Is is a plane? It’s usually a plane. Or a bird.
- You have the power to see through solid objects? We have high-tech X-Ray machines. Big deal!
- Even superheroes get wedgies.
- These days, vigilantes are most often than not, jailed!
- Don’t think of setting up a lair or a hideout. The government will probably seize your land.
- Who knows who are villains are? Do you? You do? Hah. Lies.
- You will need to hire a good Social Media promoter if you want to go viral.
- There are just too many people to save these days. Run. Save yourself.
- You need to have really low self-esteem to pull off the outfits that are suggested for your kind.
- Mutants in today’s world are usually ugly. No one cares for an ugly superhero. Sorry, next!
- You will need a fully functional hospital at your disposal.
- If you are an alien, you already have power over the human race. All you need to do is say the words - ‘Take me to your leader’.
- Dark and mysterious names like ‘Apparition Man’ don’t fly these days. Unless you want to make people laugh and that’s your superpower.
- If you are an Animal superhero, just save yourself the trouble and blend in. Unless you want to be experimented on, or have lab-clones made of you.
- If you are the angry sort, you will not make any friends or sidekicks. And without friends, you’ll eventually be categorized as a victim of some psychological disorder.
- Imagine the social stigma attached to being able to secrete mucus or grow parts of your body in size. Disgusting!
The practical problems of being a superhero
How to deal with children.
- Glare at them angrily when no one’s watching. They’ll cry but no one will believe them if they complain.
- Never mention chocolate, cartoons or siblings.
- Whisper something to someone on the phone. And then look at them as if they’ve intruded on an extremely important conversation.
- Catch them watching you with unblinking eyes in a crowd.
- Say things like ‘… there’s nothing tastier than a well-cooked child’.
- Mention in passing that you know where they sleep.
- Convince them that they’ve been adopted.
- Buy a large amount of cotton candy on a stick. Refuse to share.
- Cackle like a witch.
- Don’t tell them your name. They remember everything.
Boxing words.
Word Paint.
- Red Tape
- Green Revolution
- Yellow Fever
- Blue Moon
- Black Hole
- Grey Matter
- Brown Paper Bag
- Orange Juice
- White collar
People we should regularly fart on.
- Nurses.
- Grown women who wear baby pink.
- Gym instructors.
- Female gym instructors.
- All those involved in producing the Friday song.
- Government officials.
Anger Management Lesson #01: Blow up the world.
Things that happen when you become a freelancer.
- You save money on washing powder because you don’t need underwear.
- People die. Because they don’t pay you on time.
- Depression takes over that one spot you continuously sit in.
- You learn to bake. (I’ll let you decipher that)
- Friends wonder why you’ve lost your spark. You prove a point by regularly burning toast.
- Coffee shop waiters realize that you don’t really drink any coffee.
- Writer’s block dies in a car crash after watching a blockbuster movie.
- You draw curtains and realize you’re an artist.
- Life’s a holiday. You point-and-laugh at people reading this from their office desks.
- You realize how much you love that person who made sure you don’t kill yourself. (Enough to dedicate a blog post on.) You know who you are.
Things to keep in mind when on a Hobo Holiday.
- Always steal both the armrests.
- Never get anywhere on time.
- Make friends with fellow passengers and con them into giving you a ride.
- Pretend to lose something. Then borrow someone’s cellphone and call an ex-boyfriend.
- Get into a massive argument with your shoes.
- Thank your driver when you get off the vehicle. This includes trains as well.
- Never pay for drinking water.
- Get free meals by explaining to the indigenous people how you’d love to try the local cuisine.
- Tell the children ghost stories at night. Grown ups trust that kind of stuff.
- Breathe loudly in public. Follow that by explaining that where you come from, they sell fresh air in bottles.
- Leave bits of yourself behind. Cut a toenail in every village.
- Kiss a goodlooking stranger.
- Skinny dip in the dead of the night. It’s truly the only way to feel human.
- Sit at a busy spot and make hurried notes every time someone catches your eye.
- Dance like no one’s watching you. (Keep a hat around for change).
- Don’t ever come back.
